I like to feel pretty.
Consequently, the two tend to go together for me.
Getting up and getting ready for school is my favorite part of the day. It's time for me to put myself together, make myself feel worthy (red-flag), and give the world a taste of who I am. For as long as I can remember, I've always become super excited for the first day of school not so much because I was going to see my friends again, but that I was finally going to get to wear that one outfit Mom bought that I had waited to wear for the first time on the very first day of school. On big test days, I would wear my favorite outfit for good luck and the extra confidence boost. It's still true today. Presenting a new concept to the students? Put on that new pencil skirt. Explaining a complicated game? Try the boots and the scarf routine! Getting a new batch of students? How about the cardigan and mary jane's?
Usually, this little confidence boost does the charm. The past week, however, it has not helped a bit with the set of eighth graders I've acquired. They are chatty, they are disrespectful, and they don't want to play games or speak Spanish! Needless to say, I've been frustrated with it - and especially with myself. I want to be the best teacher possible. I want to dot all the i's and cross all the t's and make them all speak Spanish all the time (or at least in my classroom). Its also sent me into a bit of a spiral of self-hatred. "Well, if I were really a good teacher, then those kids would be quiet when I told them to be quiet....if I had just set up this first, then maybe they would have listened and then maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated...." So the next day, and the next day, and the next day, I would try something new that I came up with and STILL the little boogers would not follow suit.
Not even pencil skirts or lucky scarves could pull me out of this one. I didn't even really want to wear these outfits, either. I didn't feel like they got me anywhere, even for myself. I didn't want to wear them because I didn't feel like a good teacher, and so I didn't deserve to wear the pretty things. I didn't like myself because I couldn't control the eighth graders. In my opinion, I was a crappy teacher. As they say in southern Ohio, I was "sufferin'".
So - after a couple miserable pity parties and crying sessions that I realized didn't get me anywhere either, I let God talk to me. He led me to a chapter about hope in this wonderful book called, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson. The chapter is centered around Psalm 130 - which is basically a guy saying that his whole world has bottomed out and but that he was going to wait on God to show up, like the night guards wait for the morning to come. I didn't really understand at first why that was important, but Mr. Peterson linked the psalm to two things:
First, suffering is a natural part of the human condition. For some reason or another, especially in the United States, we think that the definition of a good life is a healthy happy one devoid of confusion, doubt, or trouble, but that's not what the Bible says. In I Peter 4:12a, it says "Do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you." Jesus even says to his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:23a).
I've read those things before, but they never really resonated until now. We're supposed to go through things that are hard. It's part of this deal called living. For some reason, I had always thought that if I was going through something and it was hard, then something was wrong with me. In reality, it's just the lot we're given, living in an imperfect world with imperfect people and imperfect situations.
The second thing that Peterson covers is the importance of hoping in God. To go back to Psalm 130, the writer talks about how his life is bottoming out, but that he is going to keep offering his life for God and wait for him, just like the watchmen wait for the morning. Watchmen stay awake all night because they have hope that morning will come. The writer in the psalm was claiming that no matter the darkness of his situation, he had hope that God was coming through for him, just as sure as the morning.
After reading this, I realized that I had put more hope in my competence and abilities and even my appearance than God. Wow. The Lord shone a light on my attitude. I wasn't praying this or saying this to God outright, but the disposition I had when I was putting myself and my lesson plans together during that rough week of eighth graders was - "God, my skills and my clothes are way better than what you've got to offer to me right now." When clothes and personal skills get more props than God, the Creator of the Universe, you know you have a problem.
Let's think about this in context of the psalm. Hmm. My psalm would have looked like -
"Help, pencil skirt - the bottom has fallen out of my life!
Classroom management skills, hear my cry for help!
[...]
My life's on the line before my competence and my fashion, waiting and watching 'til morning, waiting and watching til morning. Oh, Israel, wait and watch for the fierce boots and scarf!"
This doesn't mean that I am going to throw my appearance to the wayside. I still like to dress up, and I don't think there's anything wrong with looking pretty. I just can't put full blown confidence in these things. I'm realizing that it is of the utmost importance to dress myself in hope when I approach the throne of God. Whether or not I feel like it or see the end of the tunnel, if I clothe myself with hope, that gets His attention - and I want His attention! I Peter 3:3-5a says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment or elaborate hairstyles and wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves."
I think I've found my new favorite outfit - Hope.
I want His attention.
I want to be pretty.
I'll wear hope - It's pretty to God.
