Together

I so enjoy days like today.

This morning all three of us got up, had breakfast together, and then left to go to a big yard sale our church was putting on. We chatted with our friends running it, got some great deals (SOOO excited about the double stroller we found!). After that, we dropped some books off at a local book store, perused Goodwill, and then made our way to ReStore for the moving sale. Since it was past our little boy's naptime, we went home, celebrated our finds, ate lunch, and took a nap. I've yet to pick up the kitchen, and my husband still has an errand or two to run, and then the BEST part - we are having dinner with some dear friends tonight...which means that I do not have to cook :) Hooray!

So, why have I enjoyed this day so much?

We were together.

Just the three (almost four) of us.

No ministry calls, no events, no students with theological or relationship questions. We got to be a normal family doing normal things together.

Please don't mishear me. My husband and I love the students we serve, and believe it is some of the most rewarding work on the planet. Sometimes, though, for our little family, just being together gets pushed to the side.

Ahhh.  It is nice to be together.

Thinking and Feeling

Have you ever taken the Meyers-Briggs test? It's basically the most thorough personality quiz you can take, measuring whether you're an introvert or extrovert, etc.  I've noticed its in vogue now in conversation to volunteer your classification, ie, "I'm an ENFJ, so naturally I tend to...." in order to explain behavior. If you haven't taken it, and you're curious, here's a link to the test.

I finally took the quiz and I was dismayed to find that I am an ESFP - usually classified as the life of the party. Here's a break down of what that means:

E- Extroverted (surely you know what this means!)
S - Sensing (meaning observant, relying on the five senses)
F - Feeling (senstive, following their heart, keeping feelings close to the surface)
P -Perceiving (probing, likes to keep options open)

The description for this personality type basically describes a person who enjoys being the center of attention, always talks about their feelings, and doesn't really enjoy thinking about abstract ideas or philosophies.  In Gabby-speak, this translates as a dumb emotional attention getter. I hate that idea! HATE IT. I don't want to be dumb. I don't want to be the attention w*!#@. I want to be smart and practical and beautiful and lovely and elegant and admirable!

However, as much as I hated the description...it was accurate. Dead on. I even took the test three times to try to trick it. Nope. I always scored as an ESFP. [dangit!]

What bothers me the most (and probably because it is true) is that I am so feelings oriented. It really shows up in relationships with other people. Somebody will say something that will unintentionally make me feel like the scum of the earth, when really, they were just making an innocent observation. Other times, someone will do something that makes me feel like they don't appreciate me or see my work as valid, and it's insulting. Were they meaning to insult me? No. Were their actions even directed towards me? Not really. Unfortunately, all the negative answers to these questions do not keep me from feeling like an incompetent invalid.

Recently, I've been trying to make a concerted effort to think through these feelings by asking myself those questions. It's been really good to find the source of the emotional tornado mess in my head. I've found that I really enjoy being able to find the source. I even really enjoy saying, "When you said/did this...." because I can blame something for making me feel rotten. What is harder for me to say is the last clause "....it made me feel..." When I admit to having feelings, the tears flow. Who knew admitting to having feelings would do that to an already emotional person?

This completely surprises me.  When I started this whole process, I thought that making myself think through my feelings would make me less emotional, but it's been the complete opposite. Instead of distancing myself from being emotional altogether, the anger is hotter. Loneliness is colder. Shame is heavier. Thinking  has actually made me feel emotions even deeper than I did before. The good news, I'm hoping, is that there is another side to the coin. Will the joy be more electric?

Thinking has not changed the fabric of my personality. If anything, its been the detergent to clean it so I can see the patterns and colors more clearly, or like windex  on a dingy mirror.  The real challenge now is to accept the person I see staring back at me, with tears running down her face...and celebrate her.

God, please show me how to accept who you made me to be...even if I know others will reject me.

Gardens and Grace

When I was a child, I remember my mother growing beautiful flower gardens every summer. The rich colors of the sunflowers, hibiscus, and irises graced the border of our home, transforming it from a beige, boring modular home to a romantic oasis. Ivy and roses grew along the trellis on the deck, and petunias overflowed from the hanging planter by the door. My favorites were the peonies -full, elegant, white blooms with a sweet fragrance. They usually made it to the dining room as a centerpiece.

Mom had a vegetable garden as well. She grew lettuce, onions, green beans, tomatoes, and other plants I just don't remember. Summer dinners were especially satisfying and rich. It felt like eating out, but better! There was no bill or tip - just eager smiles and tomato juice running down our chins.

This is how I remember the gardens and the summertime. It's probably not how Mom remembers it. My brothers and I only enjoyed the fruit of her labor...planning the garden, tilling the ground, pulling the weeds. In fact, I'm afraid there isn't much that she remembers well at all.

Planning my own gardens this year, I felt a strange mixture of guilt and frustration. I could not recall the names of several of the flowers from my childhood memories. After doing some research and planning with a more experienced gardening friend, I called my Mom to share the excitement and ask questions. She only wanted to tell me about the new baby at her church and oh, what's her mother's name and she's from a drug family and I'm going shopping what does your boy wear these days does he drink milk and don't rush to have another baby and have you lost any weight - and when I could finally get a word in about gardening, she harshly criticized the bed that my dear sister and mother in love planted for me last year.

She knew that.

I was deflated.

But then I realized that I probably did similar things when I lived at home. She probably wanted to talk about heavier things, but there is this boy at school who likes my best friend and I think they'll get married and can you believe that the girl down the street cut her hair so short and why won't you let me dye my hair and can we please go shopping this weekend so I can have a nice pair of shoes for the dance have you signed my notebook yet - and when she asked if I could water the plants, I probably complained that the boys never had to do any chores.

I was deflecting.

She knew that.

Perhaps the grace she gave me then, I should extend to her now. Why is it so hard?