Why Facebook Isn't Enough

I love Facebook, especially the status function. 


It's lots of fun to create simple statements that might put a smile on a friend's face and will get lots of "likes" and comments.  Sometimes I update a status for the sole purpose of knowing that someone out there thinks I'm clever. Yes, it's an ego booster. I admit it. 

However, the updates have turned into a bit of an escape. Instead of dealing with the day's situations that might have been difficult or held some sort of breakthrough for me, I'll craft a mysterious, poetic,  literary thing that also receives some "likes" or comments, but I don't really want them.

I'm using my status to hide. 


This has been something that I've been turning over and over again in my head the past few days. Why do I mask difficulty? Why do I feel like I need to hide? Why can't I just say what I mean?

These are my conclusions:

1) In my home, I never felt comfortable putting forth my thoughts plainly.  Dad and I looked at things very differently, and so we did not always agree. We didn't even necessarily agree to disagree. Dad was always right. Disclaimer: I love my Daddy very much, and he is an astute  man who I admire.


2) In conversation when I try to explain myself to others, be it professors, co-workers, and friends, my thoughts are cut short by their interruptions. This is the nature of conversation and I know that, but even in a valiant effort to pick up where I left off,  my original thought is usually lost.  


3) I live in fear of others' opinions.  I think that also has something to do with #1.  In conjunction with that and two other emotionally tragic experiences, I've become conditioned to agree or appear to agree with the views of the other person I'm conversing with. It is SO difficult for me to maintain or even establish a stance when, a) I have trouble forming a simple opinion and b) I am used to being wrong. 


Now, this is not pity party time. I'm not here to post all the reasons why everyone should feel sorry and coddle me  and never interrupt me in any conversation and bring me chocolate and send me flowers and hug me. (Although hugs are most certainly welcome).   This isn't even about self-liberation, really, or some sort of coming of age event. Instead, I'm here, creating a blog, processing thoughts, because it's a safe place for it - like the empty parking lot where you first learn how to drive.  This is about discipline. In this space, I am disciplining myself to thorough thought development and expression, hoping that it will help me the next time I have a difficult conversation with my Dad or end up in a somewhat playful debate with a friend.  I want to develop my thoughts here, without interruption, into the seemingly silent cyberworld...so I can talk to you about it in real life. 


"So, why not buy a journal and be done with it?"  you may be wondering. When you learn to drive a car, the instructor sits in the passenger seat.  I want this to be an interactive process - more than the simple "like".  If I'm following you, believe that it's intentional. I want your feedback on my thoughts. Not just, "Good thinking! nicely developed theme, Gabby!" If that were the case, I would email this to my professors for editing. Instead, I've chosen to share my thoughts with you...because I want to dialogue with you.  If I'm "following" you, chances are that I want to learn from you, because I think you're grand. So, please take time to read. And react. And share. 


Goodbye, one-liners. Goodbye, hiding. Goodbye, fear. 


Welcome, thought!